The Secret

I originally wrote this for a short story competition for my university’s magazine, but unfortunately I didn’t win. This one is pretty interesting to me since I wrote the entire thing in one sitting. Normally I write a bunch and get stuck, and then continue another time. 

‘Everyone has a secret,’ said the Keeper. ‘The virtuous, the honest, the betrayers, the powerful, the meek…everyone keeps at least a single thought, emotion or aspect of themselves hidden away. The impact that secret has in the grand scheme of things may not be much, but for the one who kept it hidden, that secret may very well have defined them as a person.’

I looked at the Door behind the Keeper, trying to hide my frustration at being denied at the last possible moment. I only had to go through the Door and my greatest desire would be fulfilled. Maybe if I ran past the Keeper…

‘There’s no point in trying to get past me,’ the Keeper said, as if reading my mind. ‘The Door won’t open unless you tell me your secret.’

‘Shouldn’t you be asking me the riddle that goes “what walks on four feet in the morning, two feet at midday and three feet in the evening”?’ I asked with false levity.

‘Do I look like a sphinx?’ The Keeper said drily. ‘Come now, we’re the only ones here. No one else will hear your secret. You only need to tell me one secret that satisfies me, and you can step through the Door.’ It added, sounding for all the world like that was supposed to reassure me.

I stared at the Keeper for a while, then hesitantly spoke aloud the reason I wanted, no, needed to go through the Door. I had never told anyone, not even my now-lost companions on this damned journey.

The Keeper cocked its head as if it was considering, then shook its head. ‘A well-hidden secret, but not good enough.’

I stared at it in disbelief. ‘What constitutes “good enough”, might I ask?’

‘Tell me more of your secrets,’ the Keeper said, starting to pace. It made little sound for something so big. ‘Search the depths of your memories, your thoughts, your soul. Look deep into yourself and you will find the secret that maybe even you didn’t know you kept.’

‘When I was thirteen, Molly Jenkins told her mum she was studying at my place, when she was actually making out with her boyfriend in his car,’ I snapped.

The Keeper paused, then kept pacing. ‘Another well-kept secret. But it didn’t affect you much, if at all, and you know this.’

‘What, I can use other people’s secrets?’

The Keeper shrugged, a very human motion on such a strange creature. ‘It was a secret you kept, therefore it is also your secret. But it was a shallow secret. Tell me a secret from the depths of what defines you.’

So the whole thing was some kind of test of personality or character. I probably had to tell the damned lizard-thing some kind of grand truth about myself before it would let me pass. I sat down beside a pillar and tried to think.

‘When Jacob died, I pretended to grief but I was happy, since I could now have Amelia.’ Saying it out loud was actually harder than I had thought, which was surprising.

‘A dark secret,’ the Keeper said. ‘Some might say sinful. But not good enough.’

‘I just told you I was happy a guy died so I could have his girl and you still think it’s not good enough?’ I found myself on my feet, genuinely angry and outraged, and was surprised yet again.

‘It was a secret that tore at you, and I applaud your strength to say it aloud.’ The Keeper said. ‘But I am the one who determines which of your secrets is sufficient to let you through the Door, and I tell you once again that your secret was not good enough.’

‘Gods above and below,’ I spat, slumping against the pillar again. ‘How many people actually made it past your damned game?’

‘More than you might think,’ the Keeper said calmly. ‘Now tell me another secret.’

Damned gossip of a dinosaur, I thought, but aloud I said, ‘Do I have a time limit on this?’

‘Only the time that was allotted to you as a creature of limited lifespan,’ the Keeper said, finally stopping its pacing and lying down in front of the Door. ‘You may take the rest of your lifetime to find your secret, provided your need to go through the Door isn’t urgent. Some chose to do so, and were able to go through the Door before their end.’ It added, again sounding like it meant to reassure me. As if I needed sympathy from something that looked like it was built from bits of crocodile and dragon.

I made myself as comfortable as possible against the stone pillar, and tried to look deep within myself.

‘I’m a lover of both men and women.’

‘My sister and I kept a kitten without our parents noticing, until it got run over.’

‘I never told anyone my great-uncle gave me his one-of-a-kind watch for safekeeping. It’s still in my safe in the bank.’

‘I killed Stella to ease her suffering, by her request.’

‘I introduced my crush to my best friend and sincerely hoped they would burn in hell when they invited me to their wedding.’

‘Did I mention my great-uncle’s watch? He gave it to me because he was worried my aunt – his granddaughter – would convince the family to sell it.’

‘I was the one who pushed the mayor off the cliff. I did it because his son told me what the bastard did to the children – even his own – in town. ‘

I had no idea how long I sat there for. I didn’t even know I had that many secrets to tell. The Keeper watched me the whole time, its pupilless eyes slowly changing colours. Occasionally it stood up to pace again, or to lie down in front of the Door. It always commented on the secret I told it, sometimes praising me, sometimes admonishing me gently. But no matter what I told it, it was never good enough.

Even though I sat there talking for what must have been hours upon hours, I never felt hungry or thirsty or tired – at least, not physically tired. Every secret I dredged up made me feel old and weary, as if saying it aloud drained vitality away from me. Eventually I stopped speaking and simply sat there in silence.

The Keeper watched me, but said nothing. It was lying in front of the Door again, and seemed perfectly happy to lie there and wait for me to tell it another secret. I wondered if this was actually hell; if I had died on my way here and was now doomed to sit here forever, just metres away from my goal and forced to reveal everything about myself. Forced to reveal every little thing that had hurt me, in experiencing it, in keeping quiet about it, in doing it.

I wondered why I didn’t seem to have any happy or cheerful secrets to share and suddenly realised I had opened my mouth to speak. ‘When I was a kid – before my sister was born, before we moved – we used to live in the countryside.’

The Keeper watched me, but continued to say nothing. I went on, ‘When my sister was born, my father was laid off from his job. Both our parents had to look for jobs, and when they found something good, it turned out to be in the city in another country.

‘I got used to our new home eventually. But I was never really happy. Our old home was where I felt comfortable. I never felt like I fit in, in our new home. Everyone was so different. Everything was so different.

‘We went back to our old home to visit – quite a lot, actually. Some of our relatives lived in the old country, and our parents wanted my sister to experience the countryside.  But by that time, our old home had become strange, like a place from a dream. Familiar, but foreign at the same time.’

I wasn’t sure what I was talking about anymore. The Keeper stood suddenly, making me start in surprise. It looked at me, almost critically, then nodded to itself and stepped away from the Door. I couldn’t believe it.

‘But that secret, if you could call it a secret…it was hardly anything.’

The Keeper shrugged. ‘I told you that the secret would probably not have an impact in the grand scheme of things, and that I was the one who deemed whether a secret was sufficient to let you through the Door. And I tell you now, that your secret was good enough. The Door is open to you.’

I staggered to my feet and slowly walked to the Door. I put my hands on it and looked at the Keeper. The Keeper nodded and lowered its head in some sort of bow. I pushed on the Door. It opened, and I stepped into blinding light.